It’s been a while since I’ve used this damn thing. Things were alright then. Bearable at best. Now, I’ve fooled myself in to believing I am okay when really I’m worse than ever. Funny how falling feels like flying for a little while. I didn’t know the ground was coming or that I’d even hit it when I did. I went further and deeper. I’m just surrounded by demons that were locked away a long time ago. Time to open the book, air it out, get it off my chest and hopefully alleviate some of this weight.
Firstly, I’ve lost you. The one I thought I’d be with forever. You broke up with me a lot before this, but I was tired of fighting this time. I was unhappy. You were unhappy. I was the stem of your problems from what you say. It’s been 4 months now and I’ve had you countless times in between. You claim you love me and I’m the one but you selfishly push me away. Then as I’m leaving you tell me to wait. I can’t anymore. Love is not what you’re putting me through. Just so you can test the waters with a vest on. I your safety parachute. NO MORE! I love you. I have begged you. You tell me stay and go all in one sentence and my heart can’t take it. My work has suffered. My life has suffered. I am a wreck, doing the bear minimum to stay afloat. That is not me. I have lost myself in you and the me I felt I’d recovered is not who I am happy with. Why have I let you destroy me so? I have to let you go. I am going to drive every nail in to the coffin this time so I know it’s dead and gone.
Second, Tyler, you died. 20 years old, a tour in Afghanistan and an idiot speeding to Trader Joes kills you. I have survivors guilt so bad. You didn’t deserve that. I’m 28. I’ve known nothing but close calls, heart ache and failure my entire life. You took what I taught you and made something of yourself and I remained the same. Yet you were taken… You had love, friends, family and a future. I don’t know what I’m doing here. My girl left me, I’m hanging with the wrong women, not advancing myself in life, self medicating and drinking my problems away. What kind of role model am I? What kind of human am I? Why am I here and you in that box? I am so sorry Tyler. I am so sorry.
So why the hell am I feeling sorry for myself? I feel so alone. I’m just down on myself because I hold myself to that higher standard and finally realized that I’m not living right. Not at all. I’m pushing people away and shutting them out when really I just want to be held, loved and told it’s going to be okay. But no one is going to give it to me. So I’ve got to get off my ass, dust off my pants and go after it… Whatever, “it” is… Just keep moving forward. And again I am sorry… I will be better.